untitled (intro to neal)

The latest draft from my UCLA writer's workshop:

Neal gets his fix outside of town. Two nights a week, he takes the A train south and transfers at Charlton. I found the ticket stubs in his pants pocket the day I offered to do his wash. The fact he does this goes on our running list of things we don’t talk about, but just because it’s not being said out loud doesn’t mean I don’t know. He goes to see a guy. He takes the eight o’clock A train, transfers at Charlton then gets off to meet a guy to get off with and takes the two o’clock express train back. He’s at home long before Loraine ever wakes up. He thinks he’s clever. He thinks that his mother has no idea what he does at night, where he goes, why he hasn’t had a girlfriend since he was seventeen. She knows. She doesn’t talk about it but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know.

At nine o’clock sharp, Neal slams through my kitchen door like a bull and goes straight for the refrigerator. “Where’s the beer?” He pushes the condiments around angrily. “Where’s the goddamn food? All you’ve got is fucking olives… and mustard.”

Jude looks up from his notebook, wearing the usual scowl he makes when Neal is around. “Isn’t there a young communists meeting or a pro-fur rally you’re missing?”

“All the trains out are cancelled tonight,” Neal says, to me and me alone. He slams the refrigerator door, jar of olives under one arm and a bottle of soda in his hand. “A fucking cargo train turns over, spilling tubes of toothpaste, or whatever it is they carry. Just push the fucking toothpaste aside for Christ’s sake. It’s not like anyone died.”

A folded wad of cash bulges out of the wallet in Neal’s back pocket. Everything today has a cost - love not excluded. This is where Jude and I are lucky. With nothing to give and nothing to take, it’s an equal exchange of worthlessness. Unless, of course, you count the fact Jude washes my dishes and kills my spiders. I guess you could call that love in exchange for slave labor.

I take a mug from the dish rack and hand it to Neal. “There’s whiskey on the table if you want to mix that soda with something.”

mumbles and groans

What the fuck is up with blogger? I cant change my fonts... its all screwy. Everything is five million different sizes and half of it keeps defaulting back to "trebuchet." (if you dont know what that is, consider yourself lucky.)

Someone please tell me how to format the ENTIRE blog to one type. I've already done the whole settings thing, so don't say "its in your settings" or I might have to kill you. Every time I import a new blog (either actually importing it through blogger from a microsoft word document or copying and pasting) it completely overrides the default settings and I'm back to ground zero (aka: trebuchet... which, coincidently, was an early medieval catapult device... which has absolutely nothing to do with this blog or the font named after it.)

HELP! Someone please show me the light.

first page

The human hand contains twenty seven individual bones. Give or take. Nineteen if you don’t count the eight in your wrist. It’s also the home of six different kinds of arteries and two different kinds of arches, although it escapes me at the moment what, exactly, an arch is. Then there are always the variables. The babies that come out plus or minus a finger. The victims of hand saw accidents. Chances are you’ve sat next to a variable on some form of public transportation at least once in your life. Variables are big fans of public transportation. They’re always there on the bus or the train with their six and a half fingers on each hand. No shame at all. As though you’re the strange one, you with your measly twenty seven hand bones - nineteen if you don’t count the wrist.

This is before all that though. Before there is a botched job interview, before the tin buckets of syringes, the drool rags and the diapers. Before all that, there is the problem of the young boy sitting on a stranger’s back porch. He presses a suitcase between his bare knees, bone thin and beet red from the frozen air. Shorts in the middle of winter. Who lets a boy that age out of the house like that?

I’m watching him as he watches the empty yard. Him with his blank stare and his suitcase, me with my cigarette ashing aimlessly into the snow. God only knows how long he’s been sitting there. White flakes have started to collect on the shoulders of his snug corduroy jacket and he didn’t so much as flinch when I pulled my rust bucket of a car down the narrow driveway. Its as though someone’s deposited him there like an unwanted garden gnome or one of those plaster child-shaped fountains, forever spewing rank, recycled water. You know the kind. Your mother probably has one in her yard somewhere, and if not her, your grandmother or aunt for sure. They belong to the lawn jockey and plastic flamingo family. My mother brought me back one from her last trip to Germany – a gnome that is. I put it on my apartment balcony for about a week before I pushed it off the edge in a feigned suicide attempt. It bounced. Two weeks later she found it under a stack of newspapers in the parking garage dumpster. She dusted it off, brought it inside, clutched close to her chest like a baby and asking me in that tone of hers why, exactly, it was in there. The better question would have been why, exactly, she was digging through the dumpster.

This is a boy, however, (at least to the best of my observation) and not a lawn ornament. And a boy is not the sort of thing a person can get away with dumping on a stranger’s porch, suitcase packed. A boy is not the sort of thing you can just leave as someone else’s problem, or buried under a stack of newspapers.

make a splash (non-birds related)

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soundtrack

01 trickster
[david usher] [little songs]

Some songs tell a narrative. Others, like this one, are more of a series of words in combination with music that evoke a very specific emotion. As an album, this is one I pretty much listen to only when I am alone – either on my headphones while walking through the city or when I’m at home (or in the darkroom) working on my stuff. When I was stuck on a good beginning in the early stages of working on Birds, this is the song that un-stuck me. Simple while complex, beautiful while dark, gentle while aggressive… there is just something about it that felt like the perfect note (horrible pun intended) to start things off on. [Note to Mr. Usher: An album as great as this should not be out of print. Tell Maple Music to get some copies back up on their damn website... and what ever happened to getting your latest record up on the US version Itunes? Or any of your records for that matter? We can't download from the Canadian version. You live in New York now... come on.) (PS. Lots of love.)


02 thats just how that bird sing
[the twilight singers] [twilight as sung by...]
Add this song to the list of things that go without saying. If you don’t know who the Twilight Singers are… well you should. There’s really no excuse. Singer Greg Dulli use to front a band called the Afghan Whigs. Maybe you’ve heard of them? Put the two together and you’ve got my favorite band of all time. This track kinda sorta almost inspired this project’s title… and it could definitely be considered its theme song.


03 world spins madly on
[the weepies] [say I am you]
I discovered this song only very, very recently. I have a scene, actually very late in the story, where Madison talks about the world spinning outside her bathroom window despite the life shattering things she is experiencing inside. The garbage truck comes to pick up some trash, completely lacking any sort of consideration of the horror she’s experiencing. This song made me think of that… especially in how gentle and tender it is. Its light touch fits the feel of the story very well to me. Although it reminds me a scene later on in the story, I’m putting it here because the mood of the melody is more appropriate. Consider it foreshadowing.


04 somewhere over the rainbow
[bob schneider] [songs sung and played on guitar at the same time]
I know it’s old and probably tired, but something about Bob Schneider’s version of this song made it all fresh and new for me. It’s really a sad song when you think about it, and Mr. Schneider’s smoky voice adds that bit of desperation I think previous versions have been missing. For me, that juxtaposition of darkness against something commonly associated with childhood fit well with the overall set up of the story.


05 suburbia
[matthew good band] [beautiful midnight]
Oh, the fabulous Mr. Good… another one of my all time favorites and a Canadian superstar to boot. (This would be a good time to mention that I really, really love Canadian music and Canadian people in general.) This is another song that gives me chills, although the reason for it I just can’t quite pinpoint. I listened to this record on a loop during the couple of months I spent really fleshing out the character of Jude. This song reminds me of him the most. It also works for Madison. Maybe that’s why they connected so quickly.


06 the other side
[josh ritter] [the golden age of radio]
I like Josh a whole great big bunch. More from him later. This song was an ‘afterthought’ in terms of its influence on the story. I didn’t even hear it for the first time until long after I’d finished writing the bulk of my scenes. When I heard it though, every single line and lyric sung brought me right to Madison’s kitchen… where she and Jude are chain smoking and practicing being cynical.


07 desire
[ryan adams] [demolition]
This song gives me goose bumps. Nothing else I’ve ever heard or read has summed up the meaning of the word “desire” better (again, in my opinion.) It has probably inspired several scenes and themes and sketches…


08 two headed boy pt.2
[neutral milk hotel] [in the airplane over the sea]
God, I really had no idea where to put this song in the storyline. I think I have already listed three favorite bands/artists on this page… but this is my favorite song if that makes any sense. I’ve done paintings of it. In fact, I painted a whole series based on it which I showed a couple years ago in Santa Monica. Jeff Mangum’s voice, singing these notes and words, is one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. Even though the scene doesn’t exist anywhere in the book or artwork (as of right now… but who knows?) I have always pictured that something like this would be Madison’s favorite sound as well. I picture her sitting on the floor, watching the record spin beneath the needle, whenever she is having a bad day... wait... maybe that's me I'm thinking of.


09 monster ballads (early version)
[josh ritter] [girl in the war ep]
I’m putting the EP version of this song on here because it has that little raw edge over the real album version that makes it even more appropriate in this context. Yes, it has that slight twang of country, and references to a river that may or may not be anywhere near where this story takes place. Still, I love this damn song. A lot of the imagery for this story and the artwork comes from my memories of the time I spent in Buffalo (NY), Michigan and Ontario (Canada) when I was a kid. Growing up mostly in Los Angeles, the simple (yet very urban) life of those areas was like stepping into a whole other world… someplace that almost seemed suspended in time. As kids there, we were allowed to run wild, jump into rivers with our clothes on, catch fireflies, etc. This song captures that same sensation for me, while having that darkness I keep looking for that (I think) comes from an older perspective looking back.


10 heartbeats
[jose gonzalez] [veneer]
Again… gentle, tender and subtle are the keywords here. Have you seen that commercial for Lipton White Tea? The slogan is, “sometimes the lightest touch gives the greatest sensation” or something to that effect. I think of those tiny hairs on the back of my neck and how, when someone kisses me softly, it makes them all stand up on end. To me (very personally) the most beautiful kind of “falling in love” feels something like that. And for two people like Madison and Jude, who come from very broken lives, the process of taking down their barriers and opening up to someone would have to be that same kind of sensation. Plus, it’s a fucking gorgeous song.


11 19th hole
[jeff klein] [the hustler]
I met Jeff Klein in a bar about six months ago. I felt like I was sixteen, at a high school formal and my number one crush had just asked me for a dance. It’s the one and only time in my life I’ve ever stopped someone even remotely famous to say I loved their work. He was very kind. Oh, and he plays with the Twilight Singers. So there’s that connection for you…. What does any of this has to do with the story? It doesn’t. I just felt like sharing. This song inspired the scene where Madison and Jude get “intimate” for the first time, a scene that has since then been cut. Still, it might work its way back in. Regardless, I need to find something to take its place in the progress of their relationship and whatever that scene eventually ends up being, this song is the score for it.


12 teenage wristband
[the twilight singers] [play blackberry belle]
I once listened to this song while staring up at the glass ceiling of the medieval section of the metropolitan museum of art in New York. I imagined the whole thing crashing down in tiny pieces to the sound of this piano opening. That has nothing to do with the book. Just something else I wanted to share. I figured it was time I woke this soundtrack up a little, and it goes so nicely after Jeff Klein's song before this. Everyone gets to the point in their live when they've had all they can take. These characters are at that point. I've done lots and lots of writing, etc. to this song. (And when the Twilight Singers opened their last show at the House of Blues in Los Angeles with it, I almost wet myself.)



13 only lie worth telling
[paul westerberg] [mono/stereo]
Paul was in a band called the Replacements. If you don’t know who the replacements are, or haven’t at least heard of them, then I really don’t know what to say next. They were the influence for every rock song on the radio today. This song is off Paul’s much more recent solo work, and is another one of those afterthought tracks. I was listening to my ipod and writing a short while back and it came on the shuffle. Immediately, my mind went to that early part of summer when the air is warm and thick like a blanket, clothing is optional and the coolness of a hardwood floor is the preferred place to lounge. Still, there is that ever prevalent darkness I’m so very fond of…


14 postcards (free download)
[paul durham of black lab] [ten million years]
It sounds like summer. I write and draw and paint to this track constantly. It also inspired a bunch of scenes that have subsequently been cut. Right now, summer is the sketchy part of the story line, changing on an almost daily basis. I am getting closer to working it out though… listening to this helps. Plus, it’s a free download from the Black Lab website which is super awesome. Check out the rest of their stuff too.


15 Everything Is Alright
[jeff klein] [everybody loves a winner]
“Another Jeff Klein song so early?” You are asking. Yes. Another Jeff Klein song…. Because this one specifically follows ‘Postcards’ for me. While the details of summer might be a little shifty at the moment, every single scene combination I’ve written and deleted so far has been a one two punch of these songs. Also, when he sings about listening to her breathe “so desperate” it makes me think of an earlier scene where Madison is timing the ins and outs of her breath… and this roughed-in scene is very much a follow up to that earlier one.


16 hallelujah
[ryan adams] [demolition]
And... another Ryan Adams song as well. Things cant stay too depressing for too long or they just become unbearable. Not a hint of darkness in this one (on the sliding scale of this playlist, at least.) Summer has worked its magic and guards are fully down… maybe dangerously so.


17 hey jude
[the beatles] [anthology, vol.3]
This one is almost here for kitsch factor… but its not. There is a reveal late in the story that references this song, but I can’t tell you what that is yet. Just a heads-up for anyone that’s paying attention: clues, hints and tips are everywhere throughout these various web pages. My goal with the actual print edition of the story is to incorporate the same sense of hidden and buried information, actually within the binding of the pages. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves how much, exactly, we want to know… and what beautiful illusions are we willing to let go of in exchange for that knowledge. Just a tip. (Note: The Beatles are not available on Itunes.)


18 what are they doing in heaven today
[washington phillips]
Okay, so how amazing is this song? Truth be told I came across it on the Elizabethtown soundtrack. While the movie might have been lacking, the soundtrack does have its merits. I have placed this song all over the storyline at one point or another. (In all honesty, it will probably end up back towards the end where I had it initially.) While it’s not about religion, this story definitely has its undertones. For the record, I consider myself agnostic, and I think my writing and artwork definitely reflects that. The thing about agnostics (and most atheists as well) is that it doesn’t mean an existence void of faith. I feel like I’ve come closer to seeing god in my own or someone else’s honesty or our failure than I ever have in a church or a bible. The faith in this story is something like that… and something like this song.


19 Saint Judas
[natalie merchant] [motherland]
Another near-kitsch factor song. I love the reference to Judas being a saint… and if you know anything about the Christian religion (and sub-religions) you might know of the theory that the real name of Saint Jude (the patron saint of lost and hopeless causes) was actually Judas and that it was changed later on to avoid the horror of accidentally praying to the wrong Judas. Also, I love the earthy, smoky feel of this song. It makes me thing very much of late summer when the grass is starting to burn and the air conditioning has started to break down… cooling down with a beer and a jukebox in a dive bar across town… sweaty skin sticking against someone else’s sweaty skin as you lay in bed hoping for a breeze to pass through the window. Its very sexy to me…


20 breathe me
[sia] [colour of the small one]
For those not in-the-know, I am a full time designer at a small architectural firm in Santa Monica, California. That’s my day job, and a pretty good one at that. Especially since my fellow designers are also some of my closest friends. One of those friends sits at the desk directly behind me and acts as our office DJ, dictating what we get to listen to every day. I only mention this here because said friend and co-worker is also a sadistic bastard who insists on playing Sia’s ‘Breathe Me’ on a regular basis. Son of a bitch. It makes me misty eyed every time. This could be every single character’s theme song in this story. In fact, it could probably be the theme song for every single person who has ever lived – whether we would like to admit it or not.


21 advertising on police cars
[matthew good] [in a coma]
It was a toss-up between many, many Matthew Good songs before I finally landed on this one. So many songs of his fit this section of the story, you might as well go buy all his records and call them the soundtrack. This track in particular has very much helped me to write the emotion of these later scenes, although (lyrically) it has little to do with the technical elements of the plot. It is more of a general thematic element, tone and emotion, (Matt is amazing with emotion) and there are a dozen beautiful lines that sum up so perfectly the feeling of this part of the story. (PS. This album is way too friggin expensive on amazon... much cheaper to buy through itunes or through the record label at MapleMusic.com)


22 crosses
[jose gonzalez] [veneer]
Mas Jose. Bueno. Si. Exactamente. Although I think Jose is actually from Sweden or Denmark or someplace. This is a narrative song, for sure, in terms of how it relates to the story. Additionally (even though the lyric refers to a cross as something you bear) it struck an image in my head of crosses burning in front yards. Morbid, huh? Well, burning crosses appear nowhere in the story as it stands right now… but again, you never know. Still, when I imagine a cross burning in the night… the light is so beautiful… but the intention is so intensely hateful. It’s a deceiving kind of image that makes my stomach flip flop, unable to settle on an emotion. Unable to trust itself.


23 between the bars
[elliot smith] [either/or]
The world lost such an amazing musical gift when it lost Elliot Smith. That said, this song is perhaps my favorite of his. Its metaphor for the internal conflict with substance abuse is by far the most human, honest and beautiful I have ever heard. While, as I had mentioned about religion, this story is not about substance abuse, addiction in many forms is definitely a running theme. William S. Burroughs often said (to paraphrase) that while he wrote about drug addiction specifically, it was really a metaphor for any of the things in life we attach ourselves to in order to avoid confronting the reality of who we are. That concept has, without a doubt, been a huge influence on the development of these characters – and this song is the epitome of those emotions.


24 he lays in the reins
[calexico/iron&wine][in the reins ep]
I really don’t know where to begin with this track. I love Calexico. I love Iron & Wine. They get together, make a record, and I am a very happy girl. I can’t really explain, content wise, why I’ve selected it. This goes along with what I said about the first track (Trickster) and how some songs just evoke a certain emotion…


25 wings
[josh ritter] [hello starling]
Here we have the lovely Josh Ritter, once again. The title almost says everything. Its tone fits the ever-darkening color of the storyline and the mention of people growing wings could not be any more apropos. Also, the imagery of Mexico and Latin America make me think of Jude’s back story and culture… and, once again, gentle and subtle are key.


26 never is a promise
[fiona apple] [tidal]
There are no words for this song. I listen to it for everything... everything. Bad days, good days, writing, painting... you name it. Despite whatever common literary code says, Madison is not my alter ego. Most of the things she does in this story I have never done, and probably could never do. Its been a wonderful challenge and an eye-opening experience to write from the perspective of someone whose life is so unlike mine... and to find all the ways I understand and relate to her completely. There are, however, a few things of mine I've attached to her. My sense of dark and self-deprecating humor, for one, and a few other things I'd rather not admit to at the moment. At this point in the story, I'm also giving her one of my favorite songs which (if it were me) I'd be listening to on repeat about now.


27 pity
[jeff klein] [the hustler]
Okay, here is where gentle and subtle take a back seat. Call it the climax. Every story has one. This is mine. The lyrics do not reflect the story in the literal sense, but the sentiment is there spot on.


28 broken promises
[placebo] [meds]
Wait, did I say that last song was where gentle takes a back seat? I meant this one is. I was just easing you into it. Michael Stipe’s voice and the piano on the opening of this are both just fucking amazing. Sometimes I play that beginning over and over again before finally moving on to the rest of the song. There is such a wonderful play between the sad, breaking verses and the anger of the choruses. While the anger is a bit too “aggressive” to really fit the plot itself, the dynamics here have helped me majorly in the creative process of both the writing and the artwork.


29 oh comely
[neutral milk hotel] [in the airplane over the sea]
Ending a story is hard. There is all that shit you stirred up to resolve. Not to mention the dilemma of figuring out what taste, exactly, you want to leave in the reader’s mouth. Does it end happily, giving the impression that the writer believes the world is inherently good and that love conquers all? Or does it end tragically, like one of Grimm’s fairytales, teaching the reader a valuable lesson about the flaws in human nature? Well I cant tell you how it ends but its neither of those. It ends with the feeling this song evokes, and this song DEFINITELY helped me to write that ending.


30 life of bees
[david usher] [strange birds]
So what’s this song doing here if that last song was the ending? While the previous song is what I listened to while wrapping up the plot… this is what I have been listening to while working out that “final moment” and the overall package. This album (Strange Birds, released in March 2007) comes 10 years after the first song of David’s on this playlist, and I started listening to his recordings with his band Moist long before that. His music has been with me almost as long as the images in this project have. Then this song comes along that describes the uncurling of wings, escaping the uncomfortably numb trappings of his skin and looking to the sky through the fall out. I love when the little things in my life sync up like this. Bird themes rock. David rocks too. (And if you missed the note earlier, David's music is not yet available on Itunes in the US. Check your version of itunes if you are outside the states.)

important disclaimer: (a) songs are provided as suggested listening only and it is not meant to be implied that there is any official connection between the song/artist and the product being sold. (c) if you are the artist or copyright owner of any song on this site and would like your song removed from the site, please contact us immediately at picturesofbirds@hotmail.com and we’ll take it down. (d) support the artist. buy the music. go to heaven.

how to get involved

This is the part where I beg for help and handouts from all you lovely people. (I'll get down on my knees if you like. I'm quite good at it.)

First of all, I'm still very actively seeking people willing to be the subjects of my photographs. I've been setting up shoots and using these photo diaries as a way to workshop my visual ideas. I'm not entirely sure how I will ultimately use them in the project... I may just end up using them as a reference point to draw from for the illustrations, setting up scenes, etc.... or I might actually use them as part of the final artwork. Regardless, faces will be blurred or blacked out and all participants' names will only appear in the acknowledgments if they want them to be. Currently, I'm looking for people to photograph as Neal and as Madison. If you're at all interested, please drop me a line. Even if you don't fit one of the key characters, I'm experimenting with a lot of other minor and background people as well. I might just be able to find a place for you. All models will be PAID (just for the record) and required to sign all the proper release paperwork and legal mumbo jumbo.

Begging-and-pleading item #2... I am looking for art galleries in Los Angeles and New York to host collections of the artwork. If you have any ideas, please pass them my way. I'm also looking at available raw spaces to rent out on my own for birds-related events... warehouses, abandoned buildings, garages and back yards will all do quite nicely. If you have a space or have rented a space like this before, I would love to find out more about it!

Item #3... I'd love to meet some other writers and artists working on similar kinds of projects. Are there any? I'm very insecure and like having a support group of people to bounce ideas off of and share inspiration with. I'd also be interested to incorporate this project with others. Perhaps a group show? A small publication? I'm very open to hearing your ideas.

Item #4... Publishing. I plan to self-publish this bad boy eventually. Or maybe a small publisher. Maybe an artist book in limited quantities? God, I've got no fucking idea. I would love to talk to small, independent publishers and to anyone who has already been through the journey of figuring out how to publish their work. I'm not asking for a publishing deal, just some feedback, guidance, ideas and all that jazz.

Okay, I'll stop now.
xoxo
Michele

thanks

THANK YOU...
To everyone who helped make any of this possible.

Thank you to Kevin Elgan for playing model to a perfect stranger, and Garrard, Jennifer and Risa for putting up with all of the ‘so i have this idea but i think it’s crap, so listen but dont tell me what you really think.’ Thank you to Jason Drennan, Andrew west, John Benavente, Carlos Ortiz, etc. for being there to bounce ideas off of. And, most importantly, thank you to my parents for endless support, buying me a laptop and for letting me steal all our old family pictures and ripping apart my mom’s carefully assembled photo albums. I'll fix them, i promise....